i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
