i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
