I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
