But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
