Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
