So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I love you. Go after that dick
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
