TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
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