Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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