thus making me awesome and them whores
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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