i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
