you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
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