We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
