Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
