That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
