Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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