like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Randomize
