OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
