what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
