me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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