Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
