i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
