Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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