drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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