Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
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