I have demons in me.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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