pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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