i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
