Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Randomize
