he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
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