3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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