Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
