I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
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I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
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Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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