Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
