i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
