So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I just gift wrapped bread.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
