My cat gives me a boner
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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