i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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