right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I'm determined to sit on that face.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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