If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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