I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
