Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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