Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I think my moral compass just broke
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
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