He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Randomize
