Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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