I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
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The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
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So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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