in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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