you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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