the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Someone came in the potted fern
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
