I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Someone came in the potted fern
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
