Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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