So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
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