Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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