walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Randomize
