last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Randomize
