My friends, they love my intelligence
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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