we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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