i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
