You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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