my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
