Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
