My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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